From Codependency To Cocommitment - Part 2

PERSONAL SPACE AND TIME

Our movement toward co-commitment means overcoming the fear of being apart. This does not mean separating, but rather being able to feel comfortable when the other may need his or her "space" or personal time in which he or she can do things without us. One of us might want to walk alone, or listen to music, or pray, or attend a lecture, or a series of classes, go out with old friends or spend the evening out with old classmates.

There are times when we might not want to do anything special, but would simply like to be alone. We need this occasionally in order to relax more deeply and renew our energy body. When we are with others, we frequently feel the need to be in a state of alertness. Perhaps we feel the need to communicate with them or serve them in some way. Many of us cannot be ourselves in front of others. Thus, most of us need some time alone when we can simply be ourselves.

Unfortunately, many relationship partners do not feel comfortable taking this time for themselves or giving it to the other. Some reasons for this are:

a. We feel abandoned by the other or fear the other will feel abandoned by us.

b. We are afraid the other cannot take care of himself, or we have not learned to care for ourselves.

c. We think, "If the other really loved me, he or she would always want to be with me. He or she would always prefer me to his or her friends. Couples must be always together."

d. In some countries, such as the Mediterranean and Arab countries, it is inconceivable to some men that their wives could possibly leave the house and have interests other than the family. Thus, these men feel hurt and even demeaned by the fact that their wives might enjoy a series of lectures or a small excursion only with the ladies. They might fear losing control, something that is important to their sense of security and male self-image.

e. Some of us are unable to entertain ourselves while alone. We have no interests with which to occupy ourselves. All our energy is locked into others, and when they are not there, we do not know what to do, how to pass the time. We have not learned to be by ourselves or how to occupy ourselves. This is why many people, when they are alone for some period of time, immediately get on the telephone or turn on the TV.

Working from codependence to co-commitment means facing these fears and being able to be happy and fulfilled even without our loved one, at least for short periods of time.

SENSITIVE ISSUES

Another problem of co-dependence is that we tend to function unconsciously or mechanically relative to certain issues, often getting sucked into the roles of the intimidator, interrogator, victim and aloof. Some of those issues that trigger those roles are:

a. Whether we can trust the other or not. "She might abandon me." " He might cheat on me." " She might hurt me." " He might try to suppress me." As a result we get locked into control games, functioning unconsciously without love or real communication.

b. The question of authority, power and control. Who will decide what will happen? Who will get his or her way? Whose will is going to prevail? We unconsciously engage in games for power and control so we can satisfy our needs.

c. Our feelings of self-worth are always very fragile and easily shaken by rejection or other’s behaviors. We then become defensive in our attempt to protect our self-image.

d. We have feelings that have been repressed in us for many years. Some may be from this relationship and others from those much earlier in our lives. These feelings are unpleasant and we often seek to conceal them. All of these unconscious reactions dampen our vitality and obstruct honest communication.

e. Sexual issues are often difficult to deal with because we have an inherent feeling of shame about our sexual needs, and also because much of our self-image as men or women is tied up in being sexually desired by our partner.

These issues are seldom discussed in a mature and honest manner so they can be solved. We often try to get what we want by accusing, threatening, criticizing, avoiding, playing the victim, etc.

We need to be able to discuss these needs and issues openly and maturely so that each can get what he or she needs from this conscious love relationship. We need to communicate about our fears of being hurt, the games we see we are playing for control, our doubts about our self worth, our deeper suppressed feelings and our sexual needs or lack thereof.

Thus, we have a choice to make. We can allow these and other issues to silently destroy our happiness, our relationship and often our health, or we can begin to face them directly in the following way:

a. Discover what we really feel, need and think.

b. Examine, analyze and seek to understand exactly why we feel, need and think what we have discovered.

c. Take responsibility for our needs, feelings and our life situation. The other is not responsible for what we are feeling or creating in our lives.

d. Share what we have discovered with our loved one without criticism or blame.

d. Work internally on getting free from anything we feel is obstructing our happiness or love.

e. Work with the other on finding solutions that satisfy both of us.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love" by
Robert Elias Najemy