Spirituality Information - Journey In The Fields Of Forever ( Part 39 )

As our bags were being taken to our respective rooms, Marla told me that she would see Gideon and me on the balcony around dinner time in a few hours. That seemed like a good idea and would give me a chance to be alone and relax for a short while. I enjoy company tremendously but, every now and then, I have this overwhelming need for solitude — no crowds, no chatty friends, no anybody, just I, my God and myself.

The room was more a suite than a regular hotel room and the views of the beach and the ocean were spectacular. No crowded beaches, just one or two solitary figures walking along or propped up under a palm tree. I stood transfixed for a great while looking out the glass partition that separated me from the outside world. The scene was so peaceful and tranquilizing that my mind wandered through the gateway of memory to an episode not very dissimilar from this one.

It was a few years after Mardai’s death. I busied myself trying to earn a living, raising my children and doing the necessary “daddy” things, all the while assuming the self- appointed role of ‘Great Martyr.’ Since her death, I’d rationalized that relationships were to be avoided at all cost. I was overwhelmed. It appeared that everything you love, you lose. I thought to myself, no one could ever approach, even remotely, the bond that Mardai and I had with each other. Perhaps, losing her was so painful that I never wanted to experience such grief again. It would be safer not to love or commit myself to another. Friends and family wondered whether I would ever get involved in another relationship.

Certainly there were some close encounters that lasted for a short time, then disappeared forever after. There was the wealthy, young maiden who felt that money was the root of all happiness. Then there was a beautiful flight attendant,followed in quick succession by a charming socialite, a women’s rights activist and others. But even though we shared a number of common, non-conflicting goals, I could never achieve a level of comfort, never the feeling that I could totally be my true self. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy these relationships, but it was more like ships passing in the night — a gentle touch, then moving on.

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